Sunday, August 17, 2008
Hiding
I spent a week (weekend included) hiding. Not in a literal sense. I went to work. I went out. But this whole week I felt like I was emotionally hiding. And to be frank, I still feel like it. I'm not sure why. I can't even seem to put my finger on it. Perhaps it has something to do with cleaning out my father's office. It's not an office in a traditional, leave-it-to-beaver sense. It used to be the guest room until we turned it into an office when Dad started to work at home. I took on this project on my own. My mother is not completely ready to help with this yet. So I sat there in his chair and looked at what seems like a monumental task before me. And trust me, it is monumental. I come by my habit for collecting crap honestly. His was just different. He saved every manual from every piece of equipment that has passed thru this house. He (apparently) has saved and boxed EVERY CHECK HE HAS EVER WRITTEN. There was a time in Bethel Park when cable cost 6 dollars a month. Granted, it was five channels--but imagine. And we have the check to prove it. Lots of them, in fact. I miss him. But in ways that were unfathomable to me when he first died. I spoke to someone who also lost their dad and she said "I used to think it was trite when some one said I think of him/her every day. Now I know better". And now I know better, too. And I wish I didn't. Guess I put my finger on why I was hiding. Now it's time to decide to take my head out of the sand. And start shredding checks from 1976.
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3 comments:
This was a hard thing when my Dad died, too. Cleaning out his entire apartment had to be done within a few days of his passing. That probably made it easier, though - to get through that when I was already going through so many other emotions; it was just one more unpleasant task to add to the list.
Most of the time I see your family, I am really proud of how you are all doing without Rich and I know he must be proud of you, too. We all miss him, but to continue to move forward and accomplish these things - big and small - it is what our loved ones would want for us.
I know I haven't really lost a parent yet, but I know when my Grammie D died it was tough, but there are times now when we tell funny stories about her, how she always had a tissue she stuffed in the cuff of her sleeve. Just in case. Smart lady though, never know when you might need one. I think even though it must be like insanely hard right now, someday you'll be able to smile to yourself about how your dad kept everything. Its those memories that made a person different or quirky that we can hold onto and I think - and hope - find comfort in.
I don't know if K told you, but a few weeks ago she burnt about a years worth of old non winning lottery tickets. They filled about two shoe boxes. Such are the milestones we with parents who are gone go through. Head up, young person :)
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